The Lone Ranger (2013)

After sitting through 149 minutes of this less than mediocre movie, I couldn’t wait to go outside and bathe in the sun because it was more entertaining than The Lone Ranger. I’ll be perfectly honest, this is a really boring film. If a movie is going to be 149 minutes, it had better captivate me for the majority of the time. Unfortunately for myself and all who go see this, that’s not the case. I often found myself fantasizing about a scene where Django would come in and have another epic shooting scene. Alas, there was very little of that in this film. Well, at least by its’ protagonists Tonto (Johnny Depp) and John Reid (Armie Hammer) anyways.

Speaking of ┬áthe protagonists in this film, John Reid, The Lone Ranger, is supposed to be the star of this film. That’s how it was in the T.V show and the movie is called THE LONE RANGER, but they spend most of the time focusing on Tonto because it’s Johnny Depp. Gore Verbinski, the films’ director, is famous for directing the first three Pirates of the Caribbean films and Rango, all starring Johnny Depp. Depp, unfortunately, has become a typecast for these odd roles because he plays them so well. In what could have been Hammers’ first big role, The Lone Ranger makes you sit with Depp and endure odd retelling of his adventures with The Lone Ranger. Oh, and he tells these stories to a kid dressed like The Lone Ranger while he’s in an exhibit after he’s over 100 years old. Right…

The visuals are very impressive. This film looks very good and has a pretty solid cast to go along with it. It’s screenplay and telling of the story is where it goes downhill. It’s a very loose story that is told in a very stupid manor. The pace is unbearably slow and there were more anti climactic scenes than I could count on my hands. Also, Tonto, the Comanche Indian, speaks with 21st century phrases and is not really like a Native American at all. Mix that in with the fact that it’s hard to understand Armie Hammer most of the time and you’ve got a movie that doesn’t make a lot of sense. I hope I’m not boring you with my banter, so I’ll just shift my negativity over to my Top Ten Thoughts on The Lone Ranger!


Tonto… You will always remember this as the day that you failed at recreating Captain! Jack! Sparrow!

What I Mildly Enjoyed

What I Strongly Didn’t Enjoy

The visuals in this film are pretty great. Everything looks nice and crisp.

This movie is way, way too long. It doesn’t hold your attention for even half the film.

Johnny Depp is Johnny Depp in this movie. That’s fine by me because I enjoy this character. If you liked Jack Sparrow, you’ll like Tonto.

This script is pretty mediocre and gets rather boring a lot of the time.

There are a couple of “ahhh” moments in this film. Not really twists, but they’re interesting.

For a film tha should center around The Lone Ranger, we spend most of the time with Tonto. Who tells the story in a stupid flashback.

The cast of this film is good. They work well together with what they are given.

THIS MOVIE IS WAY TOO UNREALISTIC. Native Americans were not like what Tonto is depicted as. Unless Comanche Indians used the phrase “Something is very wrong with that horse”.

The antagonists in this film are ruthless and have goals similar to those that drove out the Native Americans.

Train cars keep their momentum and climb and descend after they have been unhooked from the main car. I guess the laws of physics are unimportant nowadays.

I laughed at Tonto’s 21st century dialogue…

Armie Hammer drops the ends of his sentences and delivers all of his lines in the same manor.

The whole premise of Western Expansion with trains in this film is historically accurate and plays out well in the film.

The beginning of the film doesn’t make a lot of sense and isn’t really explained very well.

The explosions were nice and they keep you attentive!

Certain events occur just for the sake of tying up loose ends or for “audience satisfaction”. I was not satisfied…

The many other movie references in this film

Despite Verbinski’s success with the original Pirates trilogy, he just can’t replicate that same feeling in this movie. Well, you shouldn’t be trying to replicate it in the first place.

At least the movie didn’t cross the three hour threshold. Though, it almost felt like it…

This is just another disappointing movie for 2013. This movies’ hype is what will make it money. However, it’s just not worth your time if you’re looking for a decent movie.


The Lone Rangers’ disappointment is not completely comparable to that of After Earth’s, but it’s still really disappointing. It’s 149 minutes of slow “progression” with dialog and themes that just seem out of place in the films setting. Tonto’s character doesn’t seem realistic and if anything seems like a copy of Jack Sparrow. You won’t understand Hammer half the time and you’re going to find yourself praying for the movie to end. I wish I didn’t dislike this movie so much, but it’s really hard not to. It sets itself up for failure. If you really want to see this film, it’s your funeral. I’d suggest waiting until this comes out on DVD so that you can rent it, but that’s still if you REALLY want to see it.

The Lone Ranger Trailer (Billed as Johnny Depp Movie… See?)

2 STARS!!!

2 / 5 stars     

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